Trigger the Talk.................Break the Silence

With all the discussions and debates around the Tehelka episode, I am compelled to reflect and remember my own personal experiences on sexual harassment both in public and at the work place.

One particular incident stands out in my memory. I was 12 years old, travelling by train with my mum and sister from Parel to Andheri. In those days, around 7 pm the ladies compartment would turn into a general compartment. As it so happened, on that particular day, we were still on the train at 7 pm and the compartment suddenly turned from an empty ladies one into an extremely crowded one with lots of men. As we prepared to get off at Andheri, we were crushed at the doorway amidst a sea of bodies. Suddenly I felt my skirt being lifted and a strange hand groping me from behind. I was shocked, horrified and felt utterly violated. I wanted to get off but the train was still moving. I wanted to do something but my arms were pinned against my body because of the crowd. I started to shout “stop it, stop it” but my voice was drowned in the noise. Fortunately for me, Andheri came and I was able to get off and away from the man.

That incident is so vivid in my mind today and has affected me so deeply that I hate travelling by train. Given a choice, I will never choose it as an option instead preferring to drive by car and wasting time stuck in traffic. I hate the fact that I was not only violated as a child but also robbed of my choice of public transportation. I wonder what happens to those women who do not have a choice and have to travel by train or other crowded transport.

I also remember the incident when I was a young cabin crew of 19 and quite inexperienced, immature, insecure and naïve. My safety instructor (a foreigner) used to play mind games with everyone and I was in particular targeted by him. He first heaped praises on me and then when I was once in a vulnerable position tried to make advances on me. I of course resisted but I was completely shocked. It was not only a personal violation but also shattered my dreams/illusions. Here was my instructor, my mentor, someone I looked up to. There was also an unstated threat that I could lose my job as he had the power to do so if he chose to. Thereafter I stayed far away from him but never once did I think I could complain against him.

Many years later, the same individual returned as my boss. This time I was the instructor. He knew he could not take advantage of me but he definitely stalled my career progression. I helplessly watched as he continued to play mind games with other young cabin crew and dread to think how many of them may have succumbed to his advances. However I could not take up the issue as the system did not allow for it nor did I feel I had the power to do so individually.

A few years later, there was another incident involving a senior management staff who gave me an unsolicited neck massage in the board room in full public view of other staff and he even had the gall to whisper into my ear that he wished he could have known me better before then (he had just resigned from the company). I sat frozen during this entire episode not believing that I had the voice or power to raise it as an issue. I was a manager by designation yet did not have the power to call him out on what I now know is a case of sexual misconduct. I remember that I did not feel that I could take it to HR or the top management as once again I did not feel the system would have supported me nor did I feel I could actually fight the battle on my own.

Reflecting on the Tehelka case, I am reminded that my organisation still does not have a sexual harassment policy. If it has to follow the Vishaka guidelines, there must be a committee with a majority of women in the panel. Given that I am one of only 2 women who head departments, it does once again hammer in the fact that we work in a man’s world, in a system dominated by them and therefore difficult for a woman to feel supported should she be harassed or violated by one of the majority.

As women, we face many such instances throughout our lives both in public and at the workplace and sometimes even at home. As women, sometimes we are left wondering if it was our fault, brought on by us or our dress or our behavior or our messaging. As women, we have the intuition to actually identify that these are uncomfortable incidents and not appropriate in context. As women, most of us never even discuss these personal violations with our family or even our closest girl friends. As women, we have been conditioned by the system to believe it is our fault and never to raise our voice against it.

Last year post the Delhi rape incident, my friends and I started Safecity so that women and men could report their personal experiences of harassment and abuse. As the reports started to come in, I was startled and shocked to find that there are so many women, all over the country who continue to face this abuse. What I faced when I was 12 years old continues to happen to many women even 25 years later. When will it ever stop? If we truly want things to change, if we want the next generation to not face groping or sexual harassment at the workplace, it is important that we start talking about it openly. If we talk about it, more women will hopefully come forward as well. Talking openly about it is the first step, acknowledging it to be a problem is the next. Solutions can then be found.

But it starts with the first step – talking.

Come share your experiences on www.safecity.in and inspire other women to break the silence!

Solo travel

 

 

Travel is an education by itself. Especially if you are by yourself. It not only gets you in touch with your inner self but it brings out the best in you, liberating you from fear of the unknown, testing your resources and strengthening your resolve.

As a single woman who loves to travel, solo journeys are a necessity as not always can one find a travel companion readily available with similar interests. Initially I was a bit apprehensive of taking the plunge on my own but once I ventured down that path, I found there was no turning back.

As a solo traveller, I have complete freedom to plan my route, my dates of travel, the sights I want to take in and overall plan the trip based on my budget. Besides when you travel alone, you actually meet very interesting people who would not normally open up to you if you were part of a couple or a group. That's how I met a dear friend Douglas from Brazil. We were on a guided tour of Ephesus, Turkey and kind of bonded together as we were both solo. Post the tour we decided to hang out in Kusadasi and we had such an awesome time that the memories will forever stay imprinted on our minds.

Similarly, I met a wonderful older couple from Bombay who took me under their wing on a tour of Heidelburg, Germany and a lovely young Indian couple from Singapore on a tour of Cappadocia. I had interesting conversations with an American scientist on the Norwegian fjord cruise and a woman police officer on the Danube Bend in Hungary.

I have undertaken several solo trips - Norway, Switzerland, France, Germany, Turkey, Hungary, etc. There is always someone around to help you, talk to you, click your photograph. Despite that, if you still want reassurance try couchsurfing. I highly recommend you try solo travel once as you will never regret it. It reinforces your faith in humanity and makes you a stronger person.

The Kanheri Caves in the Borivali National Park

Sometime ago I had a couchsurfer over and I was wondering how to entertain her. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was due a visit to the Kanheri Caves in the Borivali National Park and it would be a great idea to time it during Jo’s stay with me.

Jo is a Jamaican of Indian origin who was brought up in Toronto, Canada and now lives in Amsterdam, Netherlands. Such an interesting history. She is a wonderful girl, very soft spoken, easy to be with, quite accommodating, ever willing to go with the flow and try new things. So when I discussed Kanheri Caves with her, she was keen to go.

It is best to go as early as you can before the hordes of tourists and local Indians descend on the caves. Also it is much cooler in the morning and you can take beautiful pictures. And try and go there on a weekday so that you get the place to yourself.

Kanheri Caves is a popular destination for school picnics. However, I doubt many people living in Bombay actually are aware or appreciate having these historic caves in their backyard. I found them fascinating and I must admit that I felt like kicking myself for not having visited earlier and more often.

The caves are situated deep inside the Borivali National Park. They date back to the 1st century BC. There are about 109 caves carved from basalt rock. Kanheri was an important Buddhist settlement on the Konkan coast by the 3rd century AD. There are quite a few caves which are quite spartan and unadorned which I believe were living quarters for the monks. But there is a huge congregational hall with stone pillars and a stupa (Buddhist shrine). There are beautiful reliefs of the Buddha and his disciples all over.

They say Kanheri was a university centre in the times of the Mauryan and Kushan empires. It connected with many trade centres and ports. Most of the caves were used as Buddhist viharas meant for meditating, studying and living.

We got there by about 10 am and had the place pretty much to ourselves. I was pleased as I could take many pictures with no people in the background. At the ticket office, Jo passed off as an Indian from Kerala. Her Indian blood came to some use after all. We spent an hour walking around, peeking into the caves and discovering the ancient water systems. From the very top of the hill you could see the golden dome of the Vipassana centre at Gorai. The view of the greenery of the national park and then the dense skyline of the suburbs of Bombay brought home the paradox of the city we live in. Truly we need more green spaces to ease the pollution in our overcrowded city.

We then decided to try the “Tiger and Lion safari” in another part of the National park. As we were leaving the caves area, we saw buses of tourists drive in. Boy, were we glad to have had the place to ourselves before the swarming masses drove in.

The safari was a joke. We were asked to wait till there were 25 people enrolled. Luckily we didn’t have to wait for long. We were huddled into a mini bus with grills outside the windows. I was concerned that we would not see the big cats as it was too hot but the guide calmly told me that we would definitely see them as this was the first bus trip of the day. I soon realized why and felt like a complete fool. First stop, the bus halted outside a building with a grill door. We were asked to look out for the lions. I was wondering how could there be lions near a building. Silly me! Suddenly we heard a lot of roaring making me wonder if someone had prodded the lions with a stick or something. Then the grill door was raised and a poor lion walked out. He looked at us and then quite calmly turned his back on us as if to say “Get lost. I am the King of the Jungle and you are but minions in my kingdom”. He then proceeded to rub his back against the bark of a tree and then answered nature’s call. He refused to turn towards us so we had no choice but to move on. We then passed some deer and later we stopped outside another enclosure where there was a white tiger basking in the sun and in another enclosure a yellow tiger hiding amongst the grass. They were too far to see clearly or take any pictures.

I felt sad for these majestic animals as they should be left to live in their natural habitat. They definitely do not deserve to be gawked at by tourists in a grilled bus! I felt cheated as an individual as the entire experience was quite pathetic. Nevertheless, the National Park and the Kanheri caves are a true treasure which every person in Bombay must cherish.